I had no idea.

Being the gay man that I am I like to think that I am stylish, knowledgeable about current events and fashions, spiritual, helpful, sensitive, loving, non judgemental, a mama's boy ... well you get the idea. I like to think as myself as a well rounded gay, I mean guy. But never have I ever considered myself powerful. Powerful enough to have future leaders of the free world trembling at the thought that one day I might be able to enter into matrimony with another man. 
Powerful enough that these same powerful men spend hours, days, weeks trying to stop me from having the same rights as everybody else. The same rights that we have in many many other countries. 


If you have been watching the news over the last few years you would have seen a lot of "gay" stories. 


Entire churches ranting about the end of the world as we know it all because of who I love and want to marry. 


Churches spending tens of millions of dollars trying to stop me from declaring my love for another man.


Religious leaders calling for gays to be rounded up and put behind fences and starved. That one really made me chuckle, after I got over the rage.


Politicians hiding behind Bible verses.


I see a pattern here. 


As a child I was brought up in a semi-religious home. I did attend Sunday school, I did attend church on Sundays, occasionally.  
My family went to midnight mass on Christmas Eve. But that was about it. For organized religions.


One year I was visiting my parents in Texas for Christmas and it was time to get ready for midnight mass. My Grandmother loved midnight mass so my father would take her and anybody else who wanted to go. It was 1130pm and way past my bedtime, even then I went to bed early. Anyway I didn't want to go. My mom came and sat down beside me on the couch and said "Is it because the church is so against gays? That's why I won't go anymore". I didn't have the heart to tell her I was just tired.


Love your fellow human. Treat others with kindness and respect. Help out those less fortunate then you. Be kind to animals and all living things. 


That in a nut shell sums up my family's religious beliefs and my feelings about organized religion.


My family does believe in God. We believe he is a loving and caring God. We believe that their are many beliefs in the world and one is not better then the next. 


I kind of went off track. Power. Yes, that was the topic at hand. Anyway, who knew a kid from a small town in Florida could have so much power in the world. So much so that the most powerful men in the world want to stifle my rights for fear of ... fear of what? 


Happiness?

Time to let go

One year ago today my partner of 15 years decided it was not working out for him. He didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. I knew way before he told me.

In October I wrote about it being "Time to move on". I didn't. I couldn't. I didn't know how. I was angry, hurt, deceived and all the other emotions you feel when a relationship ends. I wrote about forgiving, forgetting and starting over. Easier said then done.

I realized I was not doing the most important thing. Being honest. So here it goes. Honest with me and the universe. 

I feel hurt. 
I feel deceived. 
I feel used.
I feel neglected.
I feel angry.
I feel fat.
I feel ugly.
I feel old.
I feel unloved.
I feel vulnerable.

I have felt all these emotions in the last 3 to 4 years. Sometimes all in the same day.

I hated him, I hated me. At one time or another I hated everyone. Hate can manifest itself in many ways. It hides in your soul and comes out to bite anyone who happens to be in the general area. If you don't free yourself of it your insides will turn black and you may never recover. But how? How do we get rid of this bile from with in?

With honesty. Honesty with others but most of all honesty with ourselves. 

Honesty -
My ex and I are done. We had our time and I would not trade it for the world. I love(d) him and he love(d) me. 

Honesty - 
I hate(d) him for not fighting for our relationship. But do I really want someone fighting for something that was not in their heart?

Honesty - 
I envied him for being so ... so ... so damn effervescent. I wanted to be like him, on all the time. Then I got to thinking ... how exhausting. Envy in not a good thing in a relationship. Admiration is. I had that for him too but not enough. Thats way its so important to work on ourselves. A great women once said "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?"

Honesty - 
I hate(d) myself for being such a slug. Yes ... I am (was) a slug. I can now tell it to the world. I am (was) lazy. I have always wanted things handed to me. With minimal work. But I'm getting help with this. Thank you Dr. Joel.

Honesty - 
I dislike the fact that I never finish anything I start. Until lately.

Honesty - 
I lie. I lie to myself. I lie to others. I lied to him. Mostly about money but a lie is a lie. Yes, I am attending LA (Liars Anonymous)

Honesty-
I need help. I have never denied this fact. I actually kind of prided myself on it. Being in need of repair kind of gave me an excuse for all the above. 

So, there you have it. My honesty. I'm sure I could go on for a long time about this but this is a start. My therapist told me tonight that I have come a long way since I first started with him. I like that. I'm growing. 

Maybe even moving on.

Thank you Iz

Music has always been an important aspect of my life. I remember listening to my parents LP's as a kid before I could buy my own. As a teenager and young adult I would spend hours at Tower Records on Sunset going through the 1000's of records snapping up all the latest bands, vocals and whatever else I heard on the radio or at the local disco, The Odyssey. It seems that every time I had a problem or issue Donna, Whitney, Boy, Debbie and the rest  were ready with a musical interlude to help me out. Listening to them always helped my mood. 


Iz (Israel Kamakawiwo'ole) is an incredible soul. His voice is that of an angel. Recently I've rediscovered this little gem that has fit so perfectly into my life ... thank you Iz for your sweet voice and Mitchell Phillip for giving Iz the words to sing. 


Starting Over Again 


Starting all over again is going to be rough
For us, we're going to make it
Starting all over as friends is going be tough
On us, we gotta face it

We lost what we had
That would hurt us so bad
Set us back a thousand years
But we going to make it up
Though I know it's going to be tough
To erase the hurt and fears

Starting all over again is going to be hard
But I pray to the Lord to help us make it
Starting all over again is going to slow
But we both know, we gonna make it

We gotta take life as it comes
Never fuss about it, what's right or wrong
It's an uphill climb, to the finish line
We gonna try, we gonna try, just one more time

We gotta take life as it comes
Don't make any fuss about it, what's right or wrong
We gonna make it up, though I know it's gonna be rough
To erase the hurt and fears

Starting all over again is going to be rough
For us, we're going to make it
Starting all over as friends is going be tough
On us, we gotta face it

Facebook ...

Facebook facebook on my screen
Tell me tell me were he's been

Has he checked into a bar
Or maybe somewhere after dark

Facebook facebook tell me true
What has he been telling you?

More work needed

Denial - Thoughts that "if I just do (fill in the blank) " or "if I just don't do (fill in the blank)"


Anger - Failure to allow yourself this stage can do more harm then good. Allow it, feel it, move through it.


Bargaining - Either with ourselves, in our head ...  "One more chance and I'll be better listener". Or with our partner ... "Really, I know how to be a better partner now." Or with your greater power ... "PLEASE ! I can't live without him!"


Depression - We need to force ourselves to go out and do things that interest us even though it feels like the last thing we want to do.


Acceptance - I'll make it. I grew as a person and it's all ok. I've learned from this experience. 


People change.  We might even get bored with each other. We as people evolve; our circumstances change - and sometimes relationships can't be maintained as a result. But if you really know your partner, the changes won't be as shocking.


When there is an imbalance of power in a relationship, it's always a sign of disaster. Equality is the key. We need to be involved in every aspect of our relationships. Be present.


We don't start into a into a relationship wanting to make each other miserable. We want to be the best we can for ourselves and our partner.


Some of us have an inability to connect deeply to our partner. And it makes us feel single even when we're in a long-term relationship. 


No partner can give you the security, or love unless you're willing to give that to yourself first. Our heart longs for someone else to do it for us.


Sometimes we "zone out","check out" in our relationships because being in any relationship is better then being along. We don't want to make waves, rock the boat.


Is being to close a bad thing? Do we suffocate our mate? If you look towards your partner to keep you safe and happy they will eventually start to resent you for doing the work you need to do for yourself. 


Before we point the blame we need to look deep inside. Are we hiding things from ourselves? Do we need to make some changes? 


After a break up we need to put our self first before we can really enjoy our next relationship. We need to look out for us first. We need to really get to know ourselves. Then we are ready to enjoy the type of relationship we deserve. 


Remember ... we are all a work in progress. 

If dogs could talk

If dogs could talk would we really want to hear what they have to say?


"How come you only feed me twice a day?"
"You know what ... your shorts don't really smell that good"
"That walk we take everyday ... its getting kinda boring. Can we try another block?"
"Your singing ... STOP !"
"And about that radio you leave on when you leave ... PLEASE change the station. A dog can only handle so much of 70's rock!"
"And another thing. That dog you call my brother ... he's not my brother. If I had any say in the matter he would be so outa here. He pushes me out of bed, steals my treats and when you aren't looking he pee's on the side of the couch. AND he eats his poop! Gross!"
"And one last thing. I HATE this dress I'm wearing. It washes the color from my eyes"


On the other hand ...

"I love you" can never be heard enough.

Today is Sunday ...

I've always loved Sundays. Even as a kid I loved the lazy way a Sunday enveloped me. 

As an adult I love the way Sundays seemed to linger. Sleeping in late(well, as late as the dogs let me). Reading. Running errands. Spending time with the dogs. Brunch with friends. Planning for the week ahead. Church (that one is for my mom). Taking in a movie or two. 


Sundays are like an aperitif. The perfect end to a great week.