One year ago today my partner of 15 years decided it was not working out for him. He didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. I knew way before he told me.
In October I wrote about it being "Time to move on". I didn't. I couldn't. I didn't know how. I was angry, hurt, deceived and all the other emotions you feel when a relationship ends. I wrote about forgiving, forgetting and starting over. Easier said then done.
I realized I was not doing the most important thing. Being honest. So here it goes. Honest with me and the universe.
I feel hurt.
I feel deceived.
I feel used.
I feel neglected.
I feel angry.
I feel fat.
I feel ugly.
I feel old.
I feel unloved.
I feel vulnerable.
I have felt all these emotions in the last 3 to 4 years. Sometimes all in the same day.
I hated him, I hated me. At one time or another I hated everyone. Hate can manifest itself in many ways. It hides in your soul and comes out to bite anyone who happens to be in the general area. If you don't free yourself of it your insides will turn black and you may never recover. But how? How do we get rid of this bile from with in?
With honesty. Honesty with others but most of all honesty with ourselves.
My ex and I are done. We had our time and I would not trade it for the world. I love(d) him and he love(d) me.
I hate(d) him for not fighting for our relationship. But do I really want someone fighting for something that was not in their heart?
I envied him for being so ... so ... so damn effervescent. I wanted to be like him, on all the time. Then I got to thinking ... how exhausting. Envy in not a good thing in a relationship. Admiration is. I had that for him too but not enough. Thats way its so important to work on ourselves. A great women once said "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?"
I hate(d) myself for being such a slug. Yes ... I am (was) a slug. I can now tell it to the world. I am (was) lazy. I have always wanted things handed to me. With minimal work. But I'm getting help with this. Thank you Dr. Joel.
I dislike the fact that I never finish anything I start. Until lately.
I lie. I lie to myself. I lie to others. I lied to him. Mostly about money but a lie is a lie. Yes, I am attending LA (Liars Anonymous)
I need help. I have never denied this fact. I actually kind of prided myself on it. Being in need of repair kind of gave me an excuse for all the above.
So, there you have it. My honesty. I'm sure I could go on for a long time about this but this is a start. My therapist told me tonight that I have come a long way since I first started with him. I like that. I'm growing.
Maybe even moving on.