Monday, May 21, 2012

I had no idea.

Being the gay man that I am I like to think that I am stylish, knowledgeable about current events and fashions, spiritual, helpful, sensitive, loving, non judgemental, a mama's boy ... well you get the idea. I like to think as myself as a well rounded gay, I mean guy. But never have I ever considered myself powerful. Powerful enough to have future leaders of the free world trembling at the thought that one day I might be able to enter into matrimony with another man. 
Powerful enough that these same powerful men spend hours, days, weeks trying to stop me from having the same rights as everybody else. The same rights that we have in many many other countries. 

If you have been watching the news over the last few years you would have seen a lot of "gay" stories. 

Entire churches ranting about the end of the world as we know it all because of who I love and want to marry. 

Churches spending tens of millions of dollars trying to stop me from declaring my love for another man.

Religious leaders calling for gays to be rounded up and put behind fences and starved. That one really made me chuckle, after I got over the rage.

Politicians hiding behind Bible verses.

I see a pattern here. 

As a child I was brought up in a semi-religious home. I did attend Sunday school, I did attend church on Sundays, occasionally.  
My family went to midnight mass on Christmas Eve. But that was about it. For organized religions.

One year I was visiting my parents in Texas for Christmas and it was time to get ready for midnight mass. My Grandmother loved midnight mass so my father would take her and anybody else who wanted to go. It was 1130pm and way past my bedtime, even then I went to bed early. Anyway I didn't want to go. My mom came and sat down beside me on the couch and said "Is it because the church is so against gays? That's why I won't go anymore". I didn't have the heart to tell her I was just tired.

Love your fellow human. Treat others with kindness and respect. Help out those less fortunate then you. Be kind to animals and all living things. 

That in a nut shell sums up my family's religious beliefs and my feelings about organized religion.

My family does believe in God. We believe he is a loving and caring God. We believe that their are many beliefs in the world and one is not better then the next. 

I kind of went off track. Power. Yes, that was the topic at hand. Anyway, who knew a kid from a small town in Florida could have so much power in the world. So much so that the most powerful men in the world want to stifle my rights for fear of ... fear of what? 


Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Time to let go

One year ago today my partner of 15 years decided it was not working out for him. He didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. I knew way before he told me.

In October I wrote about it being "Time to move on". I didn't. I couldn't. I didn't know how. I was angry, hurt, deceived and all the other emotions you feel when a relationship ends. I wrote about forgiving, forgetting and starting over. Easier said then done.

I realized I was not doing the most important thing. Being honest. So here it goes. Honest with me and the universe. 

I feel hurt. 
I feel deceived. 
I feel used.
I feel neglected.
I feel angry.
I feel fat.
I feel ugly.
I feel old.
I feel unloved.
I feel vulnerable.

I have felt all these emotions in the last 3 to 4 years. Sometimes all in the same day.

I hated him, I hated me. At one time or another I hated everyone. Hate can manifest itself in many ways. It hides in your soul and comes out to bite anyone who happens to be in the general area. If you don't free yourself of it your insides will turn black and you may never recover. But how? How do we get rid of this bile from with in?

With honesty. Honesty with others but most of all honesty with ourselves. 

Honesty -
My ex and I are done. We had our time and I would not trade it for the world. I love(d) him and he love(d) me. 

Honesty - 
I hate(d) him for not fighting for our relationship. But do I really want someone fighting for something that was not in their heart?

Honesty - 
I envied him for being so ... so ... so damn effervescent. I wanted to be like him, on all the time. Then I got to thinking ... how exhausting. Envy in not a good thing in a relationship. Admiration is. I had that for him too but not enough. Thats way its so important to work on ourselves. A great women once said "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?"

Honesty - 
I hate(d) myself for being such a slug. Yes ... I am (was) a slug. I can now tell it to the world. I am (was) lazy. I have always wanted things handed to me. With minimal work. But I'm getting help with this. Thank you Dr. Joel.

Honesty - 
I dislike the fact that I never finish anything I start. Until lately.

Honesty - 
I lie. I lie to myself. I lie to others. I lied to him. Mostly about money but a lie is a lie. Yes, I am attending LA (Liars Anonymous)

I need help. I have never denied this fact. I actually kind of prided myself on it. Being in need of repair kind of gave me an excuse for all the above. 

So, there you have it. My honesty. I'm sure I could go on for a long time about this but this is a start. My therapist told me tonight that I have come a long way since I first started with him. I like that. I'm growing. 

Maybe even moving on.