Saturday ramble ...

So its Saturday and raining. And dark(ish). I should be reading for my exam on Monday but I heard a voice ... "Daaaaaaaavid ... I'm lonely". It was coming from my MAC. I had left him in the living room as I studied in the dining room. Yes I call my MAC a him, so what? Anyway ... I had an attack of ADHD earlier and left him unattended. Goodness knows what he got up to in his unsupervised time. I know I tend to get in trouble when left alone. I got my MAC two years ago and the love affair is still going strong. I was a PC man since the beginning of time and it was a hate / hate affair. MAC was MADE for people like me ! Click and drag ... what could be easier? But its presented a problem, I can't leave him alone. Day and night I can be found typing away at his keys. GOOGLE search - Elvis. BING search - what is the longest bridge in the world? Just the touch of his silky smooth keys get me hot. And boy is he fast ! And I can open many windows at a time. It really comes in handy for looking up on "Thesaurus". Rain, Rein or Reign?

I promise to ...

be more supportive of all you do, no matter how small the task, no matter how trivial it is ... if its important to you it's important to me.

put the dishes away

be more responsible with money.

watch less TV and go out.

believe you when you say "I love you"

kiss you goodnight before we sleep.

believe you when you say its work i.e. Oscar's , drinks with friends, Abby, ex-wife's house.

believe you when you say "you matter to me" , "you mean the world to me".

play less Elvis, Eartha, Jane Oliver on Sunday's or when I'm depressed.

be less depressed.

to get less hysterical when Rhett says "Frankly my dear I don't give a damn" and when Laura doesn't turn to see Yuri.

dream in color.

be less jaded about love.

be less self-conscious.

believe in myself.

be a partner in our relationship.

carry half the weight, half the responsibility, half the burden.

adore love like Lady GaGa.

enjoy your FaceBook updates.

believe you really know all 1,097 of your FaceBook friends.

be my own person apart from you but still connected to you.

believe "he's a friend".

believe you're really tired.

not bitch about my weight while eating ice cream.

In short I promise to be more like the man you fell in love with while still being true to myself.

Guess who got a new camera ... ???

Me ! I've had camera's before but this one is a Canon something or other. What I love about it most is it allows me to take really close up photo's. I took these in my garden over the weekend. I spent an entire hour looking for a bee ... when you are not looking for them they are everywhere. Of course the boys had to get in on the act ...

Poor Sweet Bruce ... so unaware that in the next few weeks he'll be chased, teased, coxed, prodded, bribed, hounded, nipped, dipped and clipped in order for me to get that perfect picture.

I miss you my dear blog

I've decided having a blog is like seeing an old movie you haven't seen in ages "Ahhh ... I forgot how much I love you".

Lets see ... where was I ... oh yes, acting. OK next. Lets just say I need help in other departments before I try that again. I was terrified to say the least. But I did it ... for 3 weeks. That's got to be some kind of record for me. And I have to say I didn't suck. I got some kind of rush from it. Like from the effects of a drugs (not that I would know). When I wasn't peeing my pants I felt ... free. I know it sounds corny but it's true. But for now I'll keep the acting thing in by back pocket.

My next adventure is single life. Maybe. My partner and I have not been seeing eye to eye lately. We ( I ) am trying to work it out. Fingers crossed. We'll see.

Blah blah blah ...

So here I am at work ( shhhhhh) blogging. Wrong? Yes. Necessary? Yes. Thanks to "Confessions of a Pioneer Woman" I am trying a new thing. To blog everyday ... or at least every other day, every other week ??? Who knows ... maybe I too will have enough readers for The Gap to advertise in my blog.

To be or not to be ...

Maybe he should have written "To act or not to act". Ever since I can remember I have been practicing my Oscar speech ...

"I'd like to thank all the little people I stepped over on the way to the top ... "

Or ...

"I can't believe you like me, you really like me ! "

OK, maybe that last one has been said before. But in all seriousness I have always wanted to be an actor. I don't think a lot of people know that about me. I love movies and the emotion they invoke in people, in me.

Some of the best movies are the one's that make you laugh so hard you snort and by the time you leave the theatre your stomach hurts. Or the one that makes you cry even after the movie ends and you have to run into a corner of the theatre and completely lose your shit (long story, I'll tell you later).

The music, the camera angles, the dialogue, the story line. It all adds up to a feeding frenzy for my senses. On orgy of emotions. After seeing a good movie I leave thinking "I want to do that. I want to make people laugh. I want to make people cry."

Is it an ego thing? I'd be lying if I said no. Is it the lure of the money that can be made if you are good (and lucky)? Again, lying if I said no. Is it the endless lines of men/women just waiting to do anything you want? Again, lie. It's this but something much more. At least for me it is.

I told a good friend the other day I wanted to act, not necessarily be an actor, but act. Its something so deep inside me that I have been afraid to try. Something so necessary for me to live I'm afraid to face it. Something buried so far down that as I write these words the tears are forming. I need to act. And if I try and fail it will leave me a broken person. So guess what? I've kept it deep inside. That way I can't fail.

Until 2 days ago. I enrolled in an acting class. I was terrified. I had called in the afternoon after a good friend suggested this school (thanks CA ! ). A lovely girl (who I pictured to be 12) answered and in her perky, fast voice coxed me into coming in on Saturday. I agreed. I called my friend back and she insisted that I go THAT AFTERNOON ! What ? Are you nuts?!?!?!? But she knows me well enough to know if I didn't go asap I would find an excuse on Saturday not to go. And she's right.

So I went. Sweaty palms and all. Throwing up butterfly's all the way. Nausea, headache, fever, aches. Wait , maybe I was getting the flu. Maybe I was so sick I should stay home. Good try. I kept driving. I was going to face my fears, swine flu and all.

I'm not sure even my friends know how painfully shy I am. PAINFULLY ! If I enter a room and don't know anyone I will stand in the corner not speaking or looking at anyone. A lot of people mistake that for being a snob or an attitude of being better then everyone else. It's not. It's called fear of rejection. But why ? Why do we care what strangers think of us? I read on a FaceBook status once "Why are we nicer to strangers then we are to our own family?" OMG ... I am going down such a different street from the one I started on ! But I guess it's all intertwined.

Back to the story at hand ... but later. Its 1112p and I have acting class tomorrow. And my flu is back.

Good bye Diane

   On the 21st of May I lost one of my best friends to cancer, Diane. She was only 51 years young. I debated if I was going to blog about it. It seemed to cheapen her memory. Then I got to thinking about all the encouragement she had given me over the last few months with my blog.

   That was Diane ... full of words of wisdom on how to live your life. And 99% of the time she was right. Diane was one of the most nurturing people I have ever known. Always a kind word, no matter how stupid you looked or how much you f'd up your life. 

   Diane had a spirit that nobody else I know has. 

   I have to pause here to let all my really good friends not to take offense at that remark. You are all so very special in my eyes and life.

   Her spirit oozed from her. In her voice, her  mannerisms, in her big brown eyes, but mostly in her smile. Her smile entered a room before she did. She wore her smile like you would wear a sweater you've had for years ... comfortable and always on.

   We met in 1985 and became fast friends. I knew we would be friends forever when we went shopping together in Korea. Shopping, my fav past time. We worked at a travel agency together and we had a choice of Hong Kong or Korea. We chose Korea for the shopping. We flew over,in first class of course, and from the moment we boarded the plane we laughed. We were in Seoul for only 48 hours but managed to shop till we drooped. I'm not a very good flyer and on the way back we hit turbulence and Diane held my hand for 20 minutes, sweaty palms and all. 

   Diane was adventures. Always after something new, a new direction. Always trying to expand her horizons and encouraging me to do the same. Her passion was horses. I would meet her at Santa Anita for races. It always amazed me how she could look at a horse and tell me its name, where it was raised and who was the trainer and jockey. 

   We also shared a love for animals, especially dogs. Jordan was the light of her life. He came to her as smallish Jack Russell pup and is now a rotund adult. Sorry Diane, but  he is a little hefty. Not that I have room to talk with my 70 pound Basset, Bruce. 

   We had a trip planned to "Dog Town USA" in Utah where most of the Vick dogs ended up. We never made it.

   The last time I spoke to Diane was a week before she left us. I called to say hi and see how the chemo went. She was loopy ... way loopy. But she still managed to smile through the phone. We made plans to get together soon, said I love you and hung up. I never spoke to her again. 

   When bad things happen to good people we try to make sense of it.  This was hard to do this time. Diane was nothing but good. But in the end it did teach me to cherish people and your time with them. The phrase "Time is short" is used a lot but its so very true. Don't put off that lunch with your friend. Don't delay that call to your mom or dad that you keep putting off because life gets in the way. Because that's what life is. Its your bonds with your fellow humans. Its your love for that friend that one day is gone and you pray that they know how much you loved them. 

   Diane, I love you and will miss you very much.