"I'd like to thank all the little people I stepped over on the way to the top ... "
"I can't believe you like me, you really like me ! "
OK, maybe that last one has been said before. But in all seriousness I have always wanted to be an actor. I don't think a lot of people know that about me. I love movies and the emotion they invoke in people, in me.
Some of the best movies are the one's that make you laugh so hard you snort and by the time you leave the theatre your stomach hurts. Or the one that makes you cry even after the movie ends and you have to run into a corner of the theatre and completely lose your shit (long story, I'll tell you later).
The music, the camera angles, the dialogue, the story line. It all adds up to a feeding frenzy for my senses. On orgy of emotions. After seeing a good movie I leave thinking "I want to do that. I want to make people laugh. I want to make people cry."
Is it an ego thing? I'd be lying if I said no. Is it the lure of the money that can be made if you are good (and lucky)? Again, lying if I said no. Is it the endless lines of men/women just waiting to do anything you want? Again, lie. It's this but something much more. At least for me it is.
I told a good friend the other day I wanted to act, not necessarily be an actor, but act. Its something so deep inside me that I have been afraid to try. Something so necessary for me to live I'm afraid to face it. Something buried so far down that as I write these words the tears are forming. I need to act. And if I try and fail it will leave me a broken person. So guess what? I've kept it deep inside. That way I can't fail.
Until 2 days ago. I enrolled in an acting class. I was terrified. I had called in the afternoon after a good friend suggested this school (thanks CA ! ). A lovely girl (who I pictured to be 12) answered and in her perky, fast voice coxed me into coming in on Saturday. I agreed. I called my friend back and she insisted that I go THAT AFTERNOON ! What ? Are you nuts?!?!?!? But she knows me well enough to know if I didn't go asap I would find an excuse on Saturday not to go. And she's right.
So I went. Sweaty palms and all. Throwing up butterfly's all the way. Nausea, headache, fever, aches. Wait , maybe I was getting the flu. Maybe I was so sick I should stay home. Good try. I kept driving. I was going to face my fears, swine flu and all.
I'm not sure even my friends know how painfully shy I am. PAINFULLY ! If I enter a room and don't know anyone I will stand in the corner not speaking or looking at anyone. A lot of people mistake that for being a snob or an attitude of being better then everyone else. It's not. It's called fear of rejection. But why ? Why do we care what strangers think of us? I read on a FaceBook status once "Why are we nicer to strangers then we are to our own family?" OMG ... I am going down such a different street from the one I started on ! But I guess it's all intertwined.
Back to the story at hand ... but later. Its 1112p and I have acting class tomorrow. And my flu is back.