I miss you my dear blog

I've decided having a blog is like seeing an old movie you haven't seen in ages "Ahhh ... I forgot how much I love you".

Lets see ... where was I ... oh yes, acting. OK next. Lets just say I need help in other departments before I try that again. I was terrified to say the least. But I did it ... for 3 weeks. That's got to be some kind of record for me. And I have to say I didn't suck. I got some kind of rush from it. Like from the effects of a drugs (not that I would know). When I wasn't peeing my pants I felt ... free. I know it sounds corny but it's true. But for now I'll keep the acting thing in by back pocket.

My next adventure is single life. Maybe. My partner and I have not been seeing eye to eye lately. We ( I ) am trying to work it out. Fingers crossed. We'll see.

Blah blah blah ...

So here I am at work ( shhhhhh) blogging. Wrong? Yes. Necessary? Yes. Thanks to "Confessions of a Pioneer Woman" I am trying a new thing. To blog everyday ... or at least every other day, every other week ??? Who knows ... maybe I too will have enough readers for The Gap to advertise in my blog.

To be or not to be ...

Maybe he should have written "To act or not to act". Ever since I can remember I have been practicing my Oscar speech ...

"I'd like to thank all the little people I stepped over on the way to the top ... "

Or ...

"I can't believe you like me, you really like me ! "

OK, maybe that last one has been said before. But in all seriousness I have always wanted to be an actor. I don't think a lot of people know that about me. I love movies and the emotion they invoke in people, in me.

Some of the best movies are the one's that make you laugh so hard you snort and by the time you leave the theatre your stomach hurts. Or the one that makes you cry even after the movie ends and you have to run into a corner of the theatre and completely lose your shit (long story, I'll tell you later).

The music, the camera angles, the dialogue, the story line. It all adds up to a feeding frenzy for my senses. On orgy of emotions. After seeing a good movie I leave thinking "I want to do that. I want to make people laugh. I want to make people cry."

Is it an ego thing? I'd be lying if I said no. Is it the lure of the money that can be made if you are good (and lucky)? Again, lying if I said no. Is it the endless lines of men/women just waiting to do anything you want? Again, lie. It's this but something much more. At least for me it is.

I told a good friend the other day I wanted to act, not necessarily be an actor, but act. Its something so deep inside me that I have been afraid to try. Something so necessary for me to live I'm afraid to face it. Something buried so far down that as I write these words the tears are forming. I need to act. And if I try and fail it will leave me a broken person. So guess what? I've kept it deep inside. That way I can't fail.

Until 2 days ago. I enrolled in an acting class. I was terrified. I had called in the afternoon after a good friend suggested this school (thanks CA ! ). A lovely girl (who I pictured to be 12) answered and in her perky, fast voice coxed me into coming in on Saturday. I agreed. I called my friend back and she insisted that I go THAT AFTERNOON ! What ? Are you nuts?!?!?!? But she knows me well enough to know if I didn't go asap I would find an excuse on Saturday not to go. And she's right.

So I went. Sweaty palms and all. Throwing up butterfly's all the way. Nausea, headache, fever, aches. Wait , maybe I was getting the flu. Maybe I was so sick I should stay home. Good try. I kept driving. I was going to face my fears, swine flu and all.

I'm not sure even my friends know how painfully shy I am. PAINFULLY ! If I enter a room and don't know anyone I will stand in the corner not speaking or looking at anyone. A lot of people mistake that for being a snob or an attitude of being better then everyone else. It's not. It's called fear of rejection. But why ? Why do we care what strangers think of us? I read on a FaceBook status once "Why are we nicer to strangers then we are to our own family?" OMG ... I am going down such a different street from the one I started on ! But I guess it's all intertwined.

Back to the story at hand ... but later. Its 1112p and I have acting class tomorrow. And my flu is back.

Good bye Diane

   On the 21st of May I lost one of my best friends to cancer, Diane. She was only 51 years young. I debated if I was going to blog about it. It seemed to cheapen her memory. Then I got to thinking about all the encouragement she had given me over the last few months with my blog.

   That was Diane ... full of words of wisdom on how to live your life. And 99% of the time she was right. Diane was one of the most nurturing people I have ever known. Always a kind word, no matter how stupid you looked or how much you f'd up your life. 

   Diane had a spirit that nobody else I know has. 

   I have to pause here to let all my really good friends not to take offense at that remark. You are all so very special in my eyes and life.

   Her spirit oozed from her. In her voice, her  mannerisms, in her big brown eyes, but mostly in her smile. Her smile entered a room before she did. She wore her smile like you would wear a sweater you've had for years ... comfortable and always on.

   We met in 1985 and became fast friends. I knew we would be friends forever when we went shopping together in Korea. Shopping, my fav past time. We worked at a travel agency together and we had a choice of Hong Kong or Korea. We chose Korea for the shopping. We flew over,in first class of course, and from the moment we boarded the plane we laughed. We were in Seoul for only 48 hours but managed to shop till we drooped. I'm not a very good flyer and on the way back we hit turbulence and Diane held my hand for 20 minutes, sweaty palms and all. 

   Diane was adventures. Always after something new, a new direction. Always trying to expand her horizons and encouraging me to do the same. Her passion was horses. I would meet her at Santa Anita for races. It always amazed me how she could look at a horse and tell me its name, where it was raised and who was the trainer and jockey. 

   We also shared a love for animals, especially dogs. Jordan was the light of her life. He came to her as smallish Jack Russell pup and is now a rotund adult. Sorry Diane, but  he is a little hefty. Not that I have room to talk with my 70 pound Basset, Bruce. 

   We had a trip planned to "Dog Town USA" in Utah where most of the Vick dogs ended up. We never made it.

   The last time I spoke to Diane was a week before she left us. I called to say hi and see how the chemo went. She was loopy ... way loopy. But she still managed to smile through the phone. We made plans to get together soon, said I love you and hung up. I never spoke to her again. 

   When bad things happen to good people we try to make sense of it.  This was hard to do this time. Diane was nothing but good. But in the end it did teach me to cherish people and your time with them. The phrase "Time is short" is used a lot but its so very true. Don't put off that lunch with your friend. Don't delay that call to your mom or dad that you keep putting off because life gets in the way. Because that's what life is. Its your bonds with your fellow humans. Its your love for that friend that one day is gone and you pray that they know how much you loved them. 

   Diane, I love you and will miss you very much. 

It's the law !

   I find myself apologizing to my parents a lot lately. Maybe I'm making up for all the bad things I did as a teen and never said sorry.  

   My mom come to visit a few days ago to see "Dancing With The Stars". She's a huge fan. I mean huge! She knows Gilles voting number by heart. Now remember this is the same woman that has to look up her own cell number ! And mine !  

   Anyway, this brings me to my point ... Waterboarding. I know ... Dancing with the stars? A visit from mom? What the hell does this have to do with water boarding? If you know me you know I have to give a 20 minute back story so I don't make a reference that's goes over your head. I'm not sure how the subject came up while watching morning TV over coffee (I'm sure it was that Hasselbeck women's fault) but it did. My partner and I agreed that "Yes, any prisoner should be subjected to any kind of torture ... laws be damned!" ... "If you bomb America and kill innocent people why the hell should you be free from the horrors of anything?!?!?". My mothers outlook on this was ... "its the law". Plain and simple. "Its against the law to waterboard or any other form of torture." And then she said something about Bush or Chaney lying  about it. That's when I stopped listening. He still makes my skin crawl, but that's for another blog. And yes, waterborading is a form of torture. We all know it. Anyway ... she's right. Its all here in black and white, in the Geneva Convention ... 

Chapter II : Wounded and sick

ARTICLE 12

 Members of the armed forces and other persons mentioned in the following Article, who are wounded or sick, shall be respected and protected in all circumstances.
They shall be treated humanely and cared for by the Party to the conflict in whose power they may be, without any adverse distinction founded on sex, race, nationality, religion, political opinions, or any other similar criteria. Any attempts upon their lives, or violence to their persons, shall be strictly prohibited; in particular, they shall not be murdered or exterminated, subjected to torture or to biological experiments; they shall not wilfully be left without medical assistance and care, nor shall conditions exposing them to contagion or infection be created. Only urgent medical reasons will authorize priority in the order of treatment to be administered. Women shall be treated with all consideration due to their sex. The Party to the conflict which is compelled to abandon wounded or sick to the enemy shall, as far as military considerations permit, leave with them a part of its medical personnel and material to assist in their care.

   Now of course I have heard of the Geneva Convention in high school, oh so many years ago. But I didn't care. I stood my ground. All three of us did. As we "discussed", we, OK ... I got louder as I tend to do. We finally agreed to disagree on this topic. At least that's how I would like to remember it ended. 

   But over the last few days I got to thinking, a past time I don't recommend. It leads to introspective thoughts and soul searching. And apologies. I got to thinking ... was my mother against torture or was she apposed to it because we as a country agreed not to torture? So I called her. Turns out its both. So I agreed ... if we break this law what other laws can/will we break in the name of war? In the name of religion? In the name of human rights? We have to stand taller then countries that don't abide by these laws. Because if we don't we are no better then they are. 

   Once again mom you have opened my eyes. 

 

We are what we dog

   Are our dogs a reflection of us? Like our kids? 

   We bathe them, feed them, shelter them. Some of us even clothe them. We love them, scold them and yes even send them to school. Our dogs are treated like family. 

   I was walking Louis today (the other two didn't want to come, really, they didn't) and as we walked by a house in our neighborhood a dog came running at us. Soon followed by a girl about 11 years old. It was a small dog but that's not the point. Poor Louis was so surprised that he let out a blood curdling yelp. He wasn't hurt, just startled. I yelled at the girl "Get your dog out of here!" She started to apologize left, right and center. I, being the adult that I am, gave her a glare that would have turned anyone to stone, grabbed Louis and stomped off like I was injured. I can hear it now, "Mommy, who was that grumpy old man?"

   Our pets are our lives. I'm not telling you animal lovers anything new. I have lived on my own since I was 17 and my first pet outside of my parents home was Austin, a cat from the North Hollywood pound. He lived until the age of 19. I finally had to put him down and I don't think I had ever felt such pain.  I had experienced lost before, grandparents, friends. But this was different. I'm not going to say it was a worse pain then losing a grandparent or friend, that would be cold, right? But it was a different kind of loss. With in 2 months of Austin's passing I got the girls, Ursula and Squeaky, two feral cats from Park La Brea. They are now 10 (and living happily with our 3 dogs). 

   When I finally got a house of my own I made a trip to the city pound, even before Home Depot. I could not bare a house without a dog. Thank goodness my partner was on the same page. Sometimes I think he is even nuttier them I am when it comes to the boys. We even fight over how they should be "disciplined".

   We as pets owners take offence when someone says our dog is fat, ugly or stupid. We REALLY do. I have had heated arguments about Bruce's' weight. For the record ... he's just right for a basset and all comments to the contrary will be deleted. What have these beast's done that we have taken them into our homes and lavished upon them all that we have to offer? 

   I'll tell you. They protect us, love us, humor us, depend on us and worship us. They make us laugh and cry. They are waiting for us at the end of the day when everyone has gotten on our last nerve ... they are the one waiting at the door to lavished upon us unconditional love. 

Thoughts ...

   Thoughts ... my dog is barking. I hate it when he barks. All I can see is the neighbors sitting in their living rooms saying  "That's that damn basset again! I thought they were mellow dogs?" So did we. 

   Thoughts ... do we get tattoos for ourselves or for others to see? I know I got mine for me. But I can also see it, on my arm. What about people who get it on their backs? 

   Thoughts ... I always wanted to be an actor. But fear got the best of me. Fear that I want it so bad if I tried and failed I would die. 

   Thoughts ... I also want to be a rock star ... but I guess not as bad as I want to be an actor ... I've karaoked. 

   Thoughts ... are dogs really color blind? 

   Thoughts ... my great Aunt has Alzheimer's. I think of her a lot.

   Thoughts ... I think of the friends that I have on FaceBook that I haven't spoken to in years but I still accepted the "friend request". Why ? 

   Thoughts ... I think of the "friends" on FB that I have ignored and feel guilty. But not as guilty as I feel when I think of that chocolate I ate today.

   Thoughts ... I think of Cancun with my family. I think of all the laughs we have. I think of my nephew learning to love the pool and ocean. 

   Thoughts ... I think how some country songs could be the theme song to my life. 

   Thoughts ... I think how lucky I am to have my family.

   Thoughts ... I think of the friends that I have lost over the years. I miss them. 

   Thoughts ... I think of the friends that I still have in my life. I smile. 

   Thoughts ... I think of my partner. I smile even bigger. 

   I look back on this blog and see it was totally self indulgent, sorry.