A few weeks ago I was on a website that I have followed for years, Beekman1802. They sell home products, goat milk cheeses, skincare and alike. And now they just started selling CBD products (with goat milk of course). I have always been intrigued by the concept. And of course who doesn't like to try new creams. So I bought some facial cream and soap (with goat milk of course) and loved it. I have been using if for almost a week and I can see and feel a difference. Now maybe thats just in my head. I have always been one who can easily be influenced by just a complement. I was once told I could sing like Elvis (thanks mom) so I bought a sequined cape. Thank God I'm gay so it hasn't gone to waste. 

My point is I'm not really a big pot user.

The last time I smoked a doobie ... well the fact that I said doobie should give you an idea, I wasn't a fan. It made me hungry(er) and stupid(er) and I don't need help in those areas. But I've always been one for pomp, circumstance and the anticipation of whats to come. 
Back in the 80's I was more into the cutting the blow into lines then actually snorting them. 

So walking into my first cannabis store today (reminiscent of an Apple Store) was sensory overload. Clean lines everywhere. Spotless maple floors. Tall ceilings. Perfect lighting. A quite sense of self came over me. Kind of like the feeling I get when I go to a bookstore. 

I was ushered over to my personal "bud tender" (love that title) who welcomed me with a huge smile. Well at least his eyes smiled from over his mask. He introduced himself as Todd and asked what I was looking for. I told him I was a virgin in the whole New Cannabis World and I really only wanted to get an oil or cream with CBD for my elbow. He walked me over to a beautiful wall covered with shelves with carefully placed jars and bottles of all sizes. But only one of each (just like Apple). They had the real stuff behind a wall with a little pass through cut out. Kind of like what I feel Fort Knox would look like if Fort Know dispensed cannabis. He pulled a jar down from the beautifully lit shelf and said this is what he would recommend for boney areas. 

Can I just stop here and say I have been referred to as a lot of body types but boney was never been one of them. I love Todd. 

He then took down another jar and said this this one was good for blah blah blah once a day blah blah blah. To be honest I didn't hear, boney was still ringing sweetly in my ears. 

Once I could focus on his words again it was like speaking to a sommelier. Oils for this. Creams for that. If you use the one that contains THC you might feel this way. I'll save the THC for another time.

All very scientific and thoughtful.

Anyway ... this is what I ended up with (pictured above). I'll be darned if it didn't work ... it totally did ! 

Rock on dude ! 

Conscious Awakening ... thats what is happening to humanity. We are seeing it everyday. People are looking out for their neighbors. People are looking out for our planet (whether on purpose or out of necessity). People are slowing down, spending more time with their family. People are giving of themselves. 

Is this all temporary? As soon as we are able to leave or homes will we be back to our old ways? 

Lets hope not. Lets try to keep it going. At least long enough for our children to learn how humanity should be.

Love 

Live

Laugh 

May 2018 ! Wow, almost 2 years since my last BLOG. And 6700 views. Nice ! It's Sunday and you know what they say ... it's a school night. 

Time to get bunny bun bun and hit the hay. But I'll be back ... soon 

Buddy can you spare a dime ? Or a jacket? Or a blanket?

I found this in my drafts ... from 2014 - 

I've always believed that true charity is anonymous. But I had to share this story. Hopefully my story will serve as a gentle reminder. 

On my way to work I see same the homeless person at Laurel and Sunset. Day in and day out. He stands on the northwest corner at the bus stop, dressed in dirty jeans, holey sneakers and a faded blue t-shirt. He looks about 50 but I think he's younger. Seeing him makes me incredibly sad. And yes, ashamed. Everyday I wonder what his story is. How? What? Why? And every time that I catch the red light, just a few feet from him, I look left. I look up. I look down. I fiddle with the radio, heater, air conditioner. Anywhere but at him. 

He stands there with a sign that says "Please help. God bless."

I've always been concerned for people less fortunate then me. I credit my parents for that. I was also a kid was was bullied everyday in school. I may not know what its like to go without shelter and food but I do know what its like to be different. 

As summer turned into "winter" (thats how it works here in LA … Summer followed by less Summer) it was getting cooler, especially in the morning and after the sun went down. One morning as I was stopped at the stoplight I noticed he was wearing a t-shirt and a ratty light jacket. That night when I got home

I looked through my closet to find a jacket for him. Needless to say I found a few (some still with tags on …ouch). 

The next morning as I approached his corner I pulled over to a near-by parking lot. As I walked along busy Sunset Blvd carrying the jackets, cars rushing by me, people walking past me on their way to work he must of seen me with the jackets because as I approached him he started to smile. Not a smile you get when you see dogs playing. Not a smile you see as you sit down with friends for dinner. But more of a smile of relief. A smile that says "I'll be warm tonight." 

He was incredibly appreciative. I told him I hoped the jackets helped at night. He smiled. I wanted to ask him so many questions. Maybe out of curiosity. What happened? Don't you have family? Maybe out of fear. How do I avoid this fate? 

I just turned and walked back to my car and drove off. Thankful for my clothes. Thankful for my friends and family. Thankful for life. 
As I drove I started to tear. I vowed to be thankful for at least the rest of the day. I was ... until I forgot about the man on the corner. The man who I never even bothered to ask for his name. 

We need reminders of how lucky we are. 

Happy whatever

Happy ... holidays? Merry ... Christmas? Happy ... Hanukkah? I'm not sure why people get so upset when they are greeted with Happy Holidays. How can you be mad when someone wishes you well? 

I'm over it. If I know you celebrate Christmas your going to get a Merry Christmas from me. If you are a stranger I'll say Happy Holidays ... to cover all my bases. So many people are saying we are losing the Christmas spirit. Really? I even had a friend ask me in a huff "Why aren't we allowed to say Merry Christmas anymore?" 

I guess I didn't get that memo.

Here's where I stand ... if somebody wishes me a happy anything these days I'm ahead of the game. 

Peace 

We had to say goodbye to our beautiful Maxwell Brown. 

My heart is heavy. 

My eyes are wet. 

But my head is full of wonderful memories. 

   We had the honor of being his family for 15 years. An honor that we did not take lightly. He came to us as a 12 week old bundle of fur. Ready for what life had to bring him. 

   Bruce, our first basset was ready to take on the responsibilities of the older brother. He showed him how to use the doggie door. Where to poop and pee. And most importantly how to use those special Bassett eyes to look at us adoringly when he wanted a treat. And it worked every time.

   Max was our moody child. Not everyone he met got to bathe in his love. But if he did befriend you, you were his for life.

   I thank God for allowing me to be a part of his journey here on earth. 

   I know Bruce was waiting for him at the bridge. Waiting to show him the ropes. And most importantly ... how to look at God with those brown eyes when it's treat time. 

   Because yes ... dogs do go to heaven. 

💔

  Until we meet again my love

Starting all over again ...

Starting all over again is going to be rough
For us, but we're going to make it
Starting all over as friends is going to be tough
On us, but we gotta face it

We lost what we had, that what hurt us so bad
Set us back a thousand years
But we're going to make it up though I know it's gonna be tough
To erase the hurt and fears

Oh, starting all over again is going to be hard
But I pray to the Lord to help us make it
Starting all over again is going to slow
But we both know, we gonna make it

We gotta take life as it comes
Never fuss about it, what's right or wrong
It's an uphill climb, to the finish line
We gonna try, we gonna try, just one more time

Starting all over again is going to be hard
On us, but we can make it
Starting all over as friends is going be tough
We both know, but we gonna make it

We gotta take life as it comes
Don't make any fuss about it, what's right or wrong
We're gonna make it up, though I know it's gonna be rough
To erase the hurt and fears

Oh, starting all over again is going to be rough
For us, but we're going to make it
Starting all over as friends is going to be tough
On us, but we got to face it

- Israel (Iz) Kamakawiwo'ole 

Longer than a day

Cleaning house with The Eagles. Appreciating all that I have. 

I was walking home from my local 24 hour grocery store late last night and saw a man sitting in a wheelchair under a blanket (remember how cold it was last night ?). Everything he owned was within a 2 foot radius. Everything. 

No I don't have the big fancy house (anymore). 
No I don't have an endless bank account. 
No I can't pack up and fly to Hawaii at the drop of a hat.  

We get these little reminders at the perfect moments in our lives. The problem is remembering them for longer then it's takes to mention how much traffic sucks. 

No matter who your "higher power" is take a moment to thank him/her/it. 

Now back to cleaning. Geeze how I hate to clean. 
Oh ... Never mind.

Peace 

If only we knew ...

Our love affair is bitter sweet
Insecure and incomplete
And I've often wondered why your leaving's been so long delayed
It's all become so complicated
Maybe you feel obligated
And out of simpathy for me you stay
But I had rather live alone
Than live with someone who doesn't love me
And I'd rather have you go than stay
And put me down a thinkin' you're above me
Our love affair is so wound up
It's best that we unwind
And if you don't love me, leave me
And don't let it trouble your mind

You've waited much too long to leave afraid of how I'd take it
And I'm deeply touched by your concern but I think I can make it
It won't be easy for a while but I'll forget in time
And if you don't love me, leave me and don't let it trouble your mind

I had rather live alone
Than live with someone who doesn't love me
And I'd rather have you go than stay
And put me down a-thinkin' you're above me
Our love affair is so wound up
It's best that we unwind
And if you don't love me, leave me
And don't let it trouble your mind


- Dolly Parton 

Obsession

"How I Became The Bomb" is my new obsession, or more specific their single "Ulay, Oh". I fell down the internet rabbit hole the other day. You know how it is … you start looking for stores that sell crochet needles and end up looking at videos of surfing dogs. Anyway. I found myself on YouTube looking at a performance piece by Marina Abramović. The clip shows her having a surprise encounter with former lover and fellow artist Uwe Laysiepen after decades apart. I watched the video at least 4 times in a row. The music haunted me. So of course I had to purchase it as well as look up the lyrics. 

There she was like a picture.

There she was, she was just the same.
There she was; he just had to know that she had forgot his name.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.

Thinking back to the last time.
On the wall as they turned away.
Walking back; was it just a dream or did he hear her say?
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.

Trying his best to forget her.
Trying his best to just keep his stride.
Kept his word, but he knows he heard
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.

There she was like a picture.
There she was, she was just the same.
There she was; he just had to know she had not forgot his name.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.

There he was like his picture.
There he was; he was just the same.
There he was. He could never know she could never give his name.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.

Thinking back to the last time.
On the wall as he turned away.
Turning back, did he even know?
Did he ever hear her say
Ulay, Ulay, Oh?

Trying her best to foget him.
Trying her best just to keep her stride.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.
There they were like the picture.
There they were, they were just the same.
There they were, but he walked away and her eyes could only say
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.

Obsession comes in many forms. Good and bad. Sad and happy. But most of the time is happens in a form that cannot be understood. 

Really ???

I've been hearing voices for a while now as I walk out of my building.

Sometimes melancholy … 

"Wish you were here"

"I miss you"

"Do you miss me?"

Sometimes thoughtful …

"I'd be surprisingly good for you"

"You and me … we made a good team"

"Trust me"

But recently just downright rude ...

"Hey porky!"

"Whoa … when are you due?" 

"HEY, save some food for the rest of us"

Then I noticed who was saying it … 

Gym

Possibilities ...

Can ex's continue to be friends?

Is is healthy? Or does it stop you from moving on? 

Having a relationship with an ex is hard. If not close to impossible. 

What do you tell him? What do you ask him? Is anything off limits? And when he tells you something do you believe it, history tells you no. You really want compliment the new furniture, the paint. The funny thing is … the new 60's style decor was never his style. Now it overflows from every room. 

When you have dinner with your best friend nothing is off limits. But the rules change when you dine with the ex. If you ask about money … are you meddling? 

When you ask a BFF if they are dating you really want to know. And if they are you are happy for them. But if the ex is dating you feel replaced. Of course you want them to be happy. 

But could he at least wait until you are?

We've all had bad days ...

I've had a headache for the past two days. It's been really cold here in Los Angeles and I've had to turn the heater on. I had to say good-bye to my 15 year-old cat Squeaky last month. I had to say good-bye to my basset hound Bruce 2 years ago. My partner and I of 16 years broke up 3 years ago. My best friend died of cancer, my grandmother died and I got bullied so bad every day of my senior year of high school that I dropped out. 

These are all things that happen to every one of us, give or take. We deal with them. We don't like it but we deal. Can you imagine waking up every morning in a body that wasn't yours? Every day wondering what it would be like to be … to need to be somebody else? So uncomfortable in your own skin that not taking your life was a daily battle? I can't. 

From Towleroad.com - 

Leelah took her own life on Sunday morning, stepping in front of a semi truck on Interstate 71. Leelah realized she was transgender when she was 14. Though she sought support from family, she received none. She posted a haunting suicide note to her Tumblr page, imploring parents not to react negatively if their child comes out as transgender, writing,

"Even if you are Christian or are against transgender people don’t ever say [to someone that they are wrong], especially your kid. That won’t do anything but make them hate them self. That’s exactly what it did to me." For Alcorn, the situation sadly felt hopeless:
Either I live the rest of my life as a lonely man who wishes he were a woman or I live my life as a lonelier woman who hates herself. There’s no winning. There’s no way out. I’m sad enough already, I don’t need my life to get any worse. People say “it gets better” but that isn’t true in my case. It gets worse. Each day I get worse. 

Alcorn ended her note with a call to action, imploring society to stop ignoring the struggles faced by trans youth:

The only way I will rest in peace is if one day transgender people aren’t treated the way I was, they’re treated like humans, with valid feelings and human rights. Gender needs to be taught about in schools, the earlier the better. My death needs to mean something. My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and say “that’s fucked up” and fix it. Fix society. Please.

I know first hand what it's like to live in pain. In constant fear of not being accepted. In constant fear of not being able to be myself. But I was (am) lucky. Lucky to have loving, caring family and friends. People who accepted me for who I am. People I could turn to for help. For advise. Or just somebody to talk to. My heart truly aches for Leelah. I hurt for her because she had no one to turn to. No one that would listen to her. No one to hear her cries for help.

My heart hurts for society as well. What have we lost? The poems and wisdom of another Maya Angelou? The acting talents of another Meryl Streep? A political powerhouse of another Hillary Clinton? The medical brain of Marie Curie?

Sadly we will never know.

Good bye

Good bye dear little one

On the bookshelf …

Travels with Casey

Benoit Denizet - Lewis 

Simon and Schuster 

Dog book, my favorite kind. Benoit loads up the RV for a month (turns out longer) long adventure across America. His traveling companion? His 8 year old lab mix that he (Benoit, not the lab) feels have not really connected in the 8 years that he's had him. Along the way they meet police dogs, farm dogs, dock-diving dogs, show dogs and dogs with nothing to do but bathe in the loving glow of their masters.    

Aligning Strategy and Sales

Frank V. Cespedes

Harvard Business Review Press

What can I say? Its a book to make me a better sales person. Normally books like this remind me of whats-his-name? The guy with the big head and teeth … you know who I'm talking about. Anyway, this was a good, informative read. 

The Animals - Love Letters Between Christopher Isherwood and Don Bachardy edited by Katherine Bucknell

Farrar, Straus and Giroux (US) 

Chatto & Windus (UK)

A love story of the oldest kind. Young man / Older Man. And this one lasted for more than 30 years despite a 30 year age gap. Love letters.  Hate letters. Jealousy letters. Tender letters. For anyone who has lost the love of their life. Or is still looking.  

Jennifer Saunders - Bonkers, My Life In Laughs

Jennifer Saunders

Penguin Group

What can I say about Jennifer? One word … my-side-hurts-from-laughing-so-hard. 

Future reads … 

A Sudden Light 

Garth Stein

Simon and Schuster 

Garth Stein wrote one of my favorite books … The Art of Dancing in the Rain published in 2008. I was so happy to find his new book on the shelves of my local Barnes & Noble. I'll keep you posted. Oh, one more thing … the man is hot !

A new way of thinking? Or the right way?

I have adored Meryl Streep for as long as I can remember. I truly believe she if one of the top actresses of our time. She embodies what acting is. She is diverse, sensitive, strong, weak, fearless, confident, funny, expressive, all encompassing, fluid … you get the picture. I worship her as an actress. But now I also see her as a living, breathing, caring, flawed creature. 

I found a post on Facebook that I am assuming she wrote. I mean … its on Facebook so it HAS to be true. I'd like to think it is. 

"I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me."

"I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature."

"I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me."

"I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate."

"I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise."

"I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance." "I do not adjust either to popular gossiping."

"I hate conflict and comparisons."

"I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities."

"In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement."

"Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals."

"And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.”

 - Meryl Streep

I have lived in and around Hollywood for many years. Both physically and metaphorically. I have been involved in the movie making process and its probably skewed my view on many things.  People think acting is a frivolous career. It's not the act of acting that is superficial its some of the people that have chosen the career. I personally have been "touched" by the bug. Nothing has transpired … yet. 

Meryl Streep's words have really touched me in a way that I haven't been touched in years (keep the snickering to yourselves). 

"I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me."

How many of us do this? We chase after the approval and love of people who don't deserve it. We think "Please love me". No more. 

"I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate." 

And why should we? Life truly is to short to waste time on people that do not want to be honest, helpful, charitable and caring. 

"Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals."

This of course is the best. I have never trusted people that don't like animals. But better yet … I have never trusted people that animals don't like. 

Peace

It's not all black and white ...

Family comes in many forms …  

"This is what happens when you live in dreams he thought:you dream this and you dream that

 and you sleep right through your life"

- Beautiful Ruins 

Juice this !

I started a 3 day cleanse today. I ended a 3 day cleanse today. 

The side effects of working out

I guess a date with the cute check out guy at Ralph's is out of the question as I witness the Tinactin rolling down the check out conveyer belt.